Szarglopian Cuisine ©2011
Chapter 13: The Roast
The Szarglopian dawn was delivered by a psychedelic cast of rays that pierced through a low rolling cornucopia of shamrock clouds. Dack and Lester marveled with their noses smashed against the glass, their eyes almost swirling as they took in the majestic island and ocean-scape below.
The Wicked Banana banked high in the sky, and circled a desolate kidney shaped atoll like a vulture. The ship was cloaked.
Captain Coe went over information in his data readers scrupulously, with Pigmai now sitting in the copilot seat.
"This has got to be it," he said to Pigmai with a slightly confused curl in his brow.
"There isn't one registered structure coming up on this island. There are no infrared signals," said the stickman, indexing his eyes over a holograph of data that spun on the control panel like a rolodex. "How can it be? There's nothing cloaked on the surface."
"It's there alright."
"How can you be sure?"
"Look how remote this location is. It's perfect. Besides, why would the signal lie?" asked the Captain tapping his finger on the dash.
"Well, you are right about the signal Captain, but…."
"But…what?"
"I'm not detecting any living emotions with my own senses, other than the mild consciousness of the plant life, and some variation of marine life that is obviously down there."
Besides the teens, who were mesmerized, the mood of the ship's mates took on a somber and dramatic silence.
Coe broke the quiet by opening a wrapper. It was a jumbo Granny-Smith cookie with a half-inch of pink frosting and rainbow sprinkles. He shoved half the treat in his mouth.
"Holy Hunglaboo!" he said with his mouth full.
The stickman became concerned, "What is it Captain?"
"You gotta try one of these! I gotta say man. Human's aren't the brightest creatures in the galaxy, but they got food right man!" he expressed in ecstasy as he chewed the doughy goodness. He licked the sticky sugar off his fingers.
"About the matter at hand sir?…." asked the discerned Pigmai.
"I'm telling you man. You should try this…" Coe handed the other half to the bewildered Pigmai, as if he could eat it through his glass helmet.
He refused, "Earth food has proven to be toxic to my specie. As I assume it would be to their own. It's proven to have high volumes of fat, and acids that deteriorate vital organs."
"Oh, you're kidding man! Intoxicating? Maybe, but you don’t know what you're missing. What does you're specie eat? Come to think of it, I've never seen a Bogsmire, (he referred to Pigmai's race) eat anything. What's up with that?"
"We migrate to the X-3 regions twice a year and feed on Zinc Crystals."
"Well that explains your monster build," he said facetiously, "Hang on…I think we got something," said Coe getting to the edge of his seat quickly so he could look at the world below.
Pigmai's four hands tapped away at digital devices on the control panel. "You're right! -Down Y - 3/4…to the right 6 increments."
"There it goes!" Coe pointed.
The boys could see nothing, but to the trained eyes of these alien pilots there was a cloaked capsule moving out from the indigo tree tops.
"Lock on to it!"
"Got it Captain!"
A high pitched indicator beeped on the panel.
Coe handed the other half of his cookie to one of Pigmai's free hands.
"Hang on!"
He gripped the handles of the steering column and sent the ship ripping across the sky toward the invisible craft.
Pigmai kept his finger on a dial that helped track the racing ship, "They're speeding up!"
"I got'm."
"Where do you think they're going?"
"I don't know, but they're not leaving the planet, and that helps. See if there is a civilization in their route."
"Affirmative, Captain. I just picked something up…a city."
"Small? Big? I don’t wanna lose these guys in a metro. Or come in contact with Szarglopian authorities, yet."
"Still waiting for a reading…Wait! Here it is. Densely populated, I'm afraid."
"Damn!"
"A city called Grand Szipio."
"Well that's one of the damn capitals," said Coe.
"Affirmative," said Pigmai.
"How far?"
"We have more than 500 increments."
"I got these bastards," the Captain grinned.
"How do you plan on apprehending them, sir? If I may ask."
"Leave the dirty work to me Piggy. Keep that dial locked. Boys…" he called to the teens who sat at one side of the plush couch, still gazing out the window. "You're gonna wanna check this out."
Dack and Lester shuffled toward the front of the cockpit. Their Patriot's war paint was faded now. They huddled up behind the Captain and Pigmai to watch the enthusiastic work that was being done.
"Pigmai?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Set that rail indicator on your right? Adjust the holographs, and set them all lower on the panels so we can watch this. This is really cool. Change the tones to red. They have less glair."
"Finished sir."
"Now, open that panel on your right, and turn on the monitor by your elbows."
"Exactly what is this, sir?"
"Holographic army! I've only got to use this once. I've been looking so forward to this. You're gonna love it."
Pigmai switched on a wide monitor that had a graphed display on it. It was a carriage of ships that resembled the Wicked Banana.
"Now just detach those from the rack in the display and put them in a circle. I'll do the rest."
Pigmai moved the digital pictures around with his fingers on the touch-sensitive display.
"Now what?" he asked.
"Pull in the image of our buddies up ahead."
Pigmai moved a holograph of the ship they were chasing over the screen and dropped it right into the display.
The Captain glanced quickly at Pigmai's work. He was piloting the ship close to the surface of the ocean now, and a brilliant teal wake ripped across the green sea.
"O.K. What you're going to do is bring those ships toward our buddies from the opposite direction."
Dack was amused, "This is like a videogame."
Lester was curious, "So those ships are going to appear in the distance ahead?"
"Exacto!" Coe smiled.
"This is rad!" said Lester.
"Here we go! Switch'm on Piggy."
"Do you have to call me that?"
The assortment of holographs appeared far on the horizon ahead. There were six of them, and they had the most deceptive, but realistic visual appeal.
"They're already slowing down Captain," said Pigmai.
"This is too easy!"
The invisible ship slowed to a stop as the oncoming holographs closed in around it.
Captain Coe slowed down and closed the gap around the craft, so that it appeared to be completely surrounded.
"Guess who? Ya bastards," the captain laughed. A cable shot from the front hull of the Wicked Banana, with a flat magnetic disc attached to it. The disc smacked into thin air, still leaving the boys curious as to what the Captain had just captured. Soon, the cloak of the ship dissolved, and the crew all gazed at something that resembled a big black potato-bug; a Marmell drone capsule.
"I'll be damned! We caught our Marmells boys!"
_____________________________________________________________________________
An hour past that required locating another pocket of land that jut out of the Szarglopian Sea. It was a reverse ride, as Captain Coe was required to tow the craft backwards by the cable at the hull. They were fortunate that the Marmell ship was low on photon fuel, and didn't have the capability to fire their cannons, but this was an assessment that Coe had already made knowing that they had used most of the resource on their long journey from the L1 Fuel Station. After descending onto the blue sandy isle, Coe pulled the Marmell capsule until its hull set onto a beach. He then proceeded to park the Wicked Banana right on top of the drone capsule pinning it to the isle.
Pigmai became nervous, "Now what Captain?"
"Now I need you to go down there, open up the ship, and pull those Marmells out of their!"
"I beg your pardon sir, but I…." the stickman quivered.
Coe busted into a laugh, "I'm just shittin' ya Piggy! Man, you get worked up sometimes. You guys stay here," He said pulling a laser pistol from beneath his pilot seat. He examined the weapon, and contemplated. "Nah, I'm probably going to need something bigger," he sniffed.
The boys were dumb with excitement.
The Captain got up and moved behind his royal bench into the center of the ship. In the curved panel of the wall, he entered a code that opened a sliding lid. There he gazed at a lighted rack of advanced Galoo combat weaponry.
"No way!" Dack became animated.
Coe placed his hands on his hips, "Think I'll go with the TX2 Over-Loader."
"Sounds messy!" Pigmai interjected.
"Yeah…you're right. Should probably just microwave'm outta there, ey?"
"Even messier."
"Here we go," said Coe fixing his smiling eyes on a small cylinder. "These work great on those rat-bastards."
"What is it?" asked Lester.
"This, my friend, is a shock-phaser…ought to put'm on the floor pretty fast."
"What about my family?" asked Dack. If they're in there, will they be alright?"
"Precisely why I've decided to phase these vermin. Man, Dack! You keep this up, and you're gonna find yourself a Galactic Marshall someday."
The comment sent Dack's ego on fire. He was intensely inspired by this spaceman.
"Alright now. I'm gonna head down there and take care of business. You guys keep a lookout. If something goes screwy, feel free to grab one of these smokers on the rack and finish where I left off."
With that, Coe opened the side door of the Wicked Banana holding his pistol in one hand and the phaser-stick in the other. He took one last look at his anxious crew. "Be back before supper!" he grinned, and jumped out of the ship onto the warm beach below.
Pigmai, Dack, and Lester all scurried to the open door and looked down at the captain who was preparing to blast open the Marmell craft.
"Do you think your family is in there, Dack?" asked Lester with the most dazzled expression on his freckled face.
"I hope so."
Captain Coe pulled the trigger on his gun and sent a hail of rapid repetitive shots into the black armadillo craft. A purple smoke filled the air. Pigmai, and the boys were now blinded by a plume of the billowing cloud, and the teens coughed on pungent fumes. The sound of lasers returning fire from the craft screeched out sonorously- then the sound of the phaser erupting in the catacomb of the ship; it had a rippling static echo- the noise that a Jacob's-Ladder makes when the electricity crackles along the rods. After that, there was silence, and the violence had seized as abruptly as it began.
Dack waved the smoke out of his face. His eyes stung, and he could smell the foreign fumes that reeked of alien battle.
"Is it over?" asked Lester.
"Captain? Are you there?" called out Pigmai.
"Captain Coe?" shouted Dack.
The smoke began to thin, as it rose into the strange inverted Szarglopian pines.
Soon they could all see the Captain lying on his back, unconscious on the beach.
The sound of the tide was the only thing heard for a long suspenseful moment.
Lester's face wrinkled into horror, "Is he dead?"
Pigmai shook his head with dismay.
"HA! HA!" cackled the Captain, leaping to his feet in the sand. "Got you guys!"
Dack fell in with laughter.
Lester and Pigmai remained confused.
"Nah! There dead," said Coe. "Come help me drag these toasted bagels out of here, and let's get your family kiddo."
Dack jumped down into the bright blue sand, and followed the Captain into the smoking ship. They pulled the charcoaled remains of three Marmells out, and piled them on the beach. Dack pulled the collar of his shirt up over his nose to create a mask while they worked.
"These things smell better barbequed then they do alive. Trust me kid," the Captain laughed.
The smoke continued to rise out of the ship like a nest of wild serpents. Coe returned inside with Dack and they examined the transparent prison cell bubble. It was empty.
"There not here?" asked Dack becoming frantic.
Coe cut a circle with a perpetual laser that buzzed from his pistol like a thin jet-stream. The wall seemed to melt away like a plastic bag over a campfire. They entered the cell.
Dack looked at their feet and found a pair of spectacles. He held them up and examined them.
"Recognize those?" asked the Captain.
Dack looked over with a numb response, "They're my dad's."
The Szarglopian dawn was delivered by a psychedelic cast of rays that pierced through a low rolling cornucopia of shamrock clouds. Dack and Lester marveled with their noses smashed against the glass, their eyes almost swirling as they took in the majestic island and ocean-scape below.
The Wicked Banana banked high in the sky, and circled a desolate kidney shaped atoll like a vulture. The ship was cloaked.
Captain Coe went over information in his data readers scrupulously, with Pigmai now sitting in the copilot seat.
"This has got to be it," he said to Pigmai with a slightly confused curl in his brow.
"There isn't one registered structure coming up on this island. There are no infrared signals," said the stickman, indexing his eyes over a holograph of data that spun on the control panel like a rolodex. "How can it be? There's nothing cloaked on the surface."
"It's there alright."
"How can you be sure?"
"Look how remote this location is. It's perfect. Besides, why would the signal lie?" asked the Captain tapping his finger on the dash.
"Well, you are right about the signal Captain, but…."
"But…what?"
"I'm not detecting any living emotions with my own senses, other than the mild consciousness of the plant life, and some variation of marine life that is obviously down there."
Besides the teens, who were mesmerized, the mood of the ship's mates took on a somber and dramatic silence.
Coe broke the quiet by opening a wrapper. It was a jumbo Granny-Smith cookie with a half-inch of pink frosting and rainbow sprinkles. He shoved half the treat in his mouth.
"Holy Hunglaboo!" he said with his mouth full.
The stickman became concerned, "What is it Captain?"
"You gotta try one of these! I gotta say man. Human's aren't the brightest creatures in the galaxy, but they got food right man!" he expressed in ecstasy as he chewed the doughy goodness. He licked the sticky sugar off his fingers.
"About the matter at hand sir?…." asked the discerned Pigmai.
"I'm telling you man. You should try this…" Coe handed the other half to the bewildered Pigmai, as if he could eat it through his glass helmet.
He refused, "Earth food has proven to be toxic to my specie. As I assume it would be to their own. It's proven to have high volumes of fat, and acids that deteriorate vital organs."
"Oh, you're kidding man! Intoxicating? Maybe, but you don’t know what you're missing. What does you're specie eat? Come to think of it, I've never seen a Bogsmire, (he referred to Pigmai's race) eat anything. What's up with that?"
"We migrate to the X-3 regions twice a year and feed on Zinc Crystals."
"Well that explains your monster build," he said facetiously, "Hang on…I think we got something," said Coe getting to the edge of his seat quickly so he could look at the world below.
Pigmai's four hands tapped away at digital devices on the control panel. "You're right! -Down Y - 3/4…to the right 6 increments."
"There it goes!" Coe pointed.
The boys could see nothing, but to the trained eyes of these alien pilots there was a cloaked capsule moving out from the indigo tree tops.
"Lock on to it!"
"Got it Captain!"
A high pitched indicator beeped on the panel.
Coe handed the other half of his cookie to one of Pigmai's free hands.
"Hang on!"
He gripped the handles of the steering column and sent the ship ripping across the sky toward the invisible craft.
Pigmai kept his finger on a dial that helped track the racing ship, "They're speeding up!"
"I got'm."
"Where do you think they're going?"
"I don't know, but they're not leaving the planet, and that helps. See if there is a civilization in their route."
"Affirmative, Captain. I just picked something up…a city."
"Small? Big? I don’t wanna lose these guys in a metro. Or come in contact with Szarglopian authorities, yet."
"Still waiting for a reading…Wait! Here it is. Densely populated, I'm afraid."
"Damn!"
"A city called Grand Szipio."
"Well that's one of the damn capitals," said Coe.
"Affirmative," said Pigmai.
"How far?"
"We have more than 500 increments."
"I got these bastards," the Captain grinned.
"How do you plan on apprehending them, sir? If I may ask."
"Leave the dirty work to me Piggy. Keep that dial locked. Boys…" he called to the teens who sat at one side of the plush couch, still gazing out the window. "You're gonna wanna check this out."
Dack and Lester shuffled toward the front of the cockpit. Their Patriot's war paint was faded now. They huddled up behind the Captain and Pigmai to watch the enthusiastic work that was being done.
"Pigmai?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Set that rail indicator on your right? Adjust the holographs, and set them all lower on the panels so we can watch this. This is really cool. Change the tones to red. They have less glair."
"Finished sir."
"Now, open that panel on your right, and turn on the monitor by your elbows."
"Exactly what is this, sir?"
"Holographic army! I've only got to use this once. I've been looking so forward to this. You're gonna love it."
Pigmai switched on a wide monitor that had a graphed display on it. It was a carriage of ships that resembled the Wicked Banana.
"Now just detach those from the rack in the display and put them in a circle. I'll do the rest."
Pigmai moved the digital pictures around with his fingers on the touch-sensitive display.
"Now what?" he asked.
"Pull in the image of our buddies up ahead."
Pigmai moved a holograph of the ship they were chasing over the screen and dropped it right into the display.
The Captain glanced quickly at Pigmai's work. He was piloting the ship close to the surface of the ocean now, and a brilliant teal wake ripped across the green sea.
"O.K. What you're going to do is bring those ships toward our buddies from the opposite direction."
Dack was amused, "This is like a videogame."
Lester was curious, "So those ships are going to appear in the distance ahead?"
"Exacto!" Coe smiled.
"This is rad!" said Lester.
"Here we go! Switch'm on Piggy."
"Do you have to call me that?"
The assortment of holographs appeared far on the horizon ahead. There were six of them, and they had the most deceptive, but realistic visual appeal.
"They're already slowing down Captain," said Pigmai.
"This is too easy!"
The invisible ship slowed to a stop as the oncoming holographs closed in around it.
Captain Coe slowed down and closed the gap around the craft, so that it appeared to be completely surrounded.
"Guess who? Ya bastards," the captain laughed. A cable shot from the front hull of the Wicked Banana, with a flat magnetic disc attached to it. The disc smacked into thin air, still leaving the boys curious as to what the Captain had just captured. Soon, the cloak of the ship dissolved, and the crew all gazed at something that resembled a big black potato-bug; a Marmell drone capsule.
"I'll be damned! We caught our Marmells boys!"
_____________________________________________________________________________
An hour past that required locating another pocket of land that jut out of the Szarglopian Sea. It was a reverse ride, as Captain Coe was required to tow the craft backwards by the cable at the hull. They were fortunate that the Marmell ship was low on photon fuel, and didn't have the capability to fire their cannons, but this was an assessment that Coe had already made knowing that they had used most of the resource on their long journey from the L1 Fuel Station. After descending onto the blue sandy isle, Coe pulled the Marmell capsule until its hull set onto a beach. He then proceeded to park the Wicked Banana right on top of the drone capsule pinning it to the isle.
Pigmai became nervous, "Now what Captain?"
"Now I need you to go down there, open up the ship, and pull those Marmells out of their!"
"I beg your pardon sir, but I…." the stickman quivered.
Coe busted into a laugh, "I'm just shittin' ya Piggy! Man, you get worked up sometimes. You guys stay here," He said pulling a laser pistol from beneath his pilot seat. He examined the weapon, and contemplated. "Nah, I'm probably going to need something bigger," he sniffed.
The boys were dumb with excitement.
The Captain got up and moved behind his royal bench into the center of the ship. In the curved panel of the wall, he entered a code that opened a sliding lid. There he gazed at a lighted rack of advanced Galoo combat weaponry.
"No way!" Dack became animated.
Coe placed his hands on his hips, "Think I'll go with the TX2 Over-Loader."
"Sounds messy!" Pigmai interjected.
"Yeah…you're right. Should probably just microwave'm outta there, ey?"
"Even messier."
"Here we go," said Coe fixing his smiling eyes on a small cylinder. "These work great on those rat-bastards."
"What is it?" asked Lester.
"This, my friend, is a shock-phaser…ought to put'm on the floor pretty fast."
"What about my family?" asked Dack. If they're in there, will they be alright?"
"Precisely why I've decided to phase these vermin. Man, Dack! You keep this up, and you're gonna find yourself a Galactic Marshall someday."
The comment sent Dack's ego on fire. He was intensely inspired by this spaceman.
"Alright now. I'm gonna head down there and take care of business. You guys keep a lookout. If something goes screwy, feel free to grab one of these smokers on the rack and finish where I left off."
With that, Coe opened the side door of the Wicked Banana holding his pistol in one hand and the phaser-stick in the other. He took one last look at his anxious crew. "Be back before supper!" he grinned, and jumped out of the ship onto the warm beach below.
Pigmai, Dack, and Lester all scurried to the open door and looked down at the captain who was preparing to blast open the Marmell craft.
"Do you think your family is in there, Dack?" asked Lester with the most dazzled expression on his freckled face.
"I hope so."
Captain Coe pulled the trigger on his gun and sent a hail of rapid repetitive shots into the black armadillo craft. A purple smoke filled the air. Pigmai, and the boys were now blinded by a plume of the billowing cloud, and the teens coughed on pungent fumes. The sound of lasers returning fire from the craft screeched out sonorously- then the sound of the phaser erupting in the catacomb of the ship; it had a rippling static echo- the noise that a Jacob's-Ladder makes when the electricity crackles along the rods. After that, there was silence, and the violence had seized as abruptly as it began.
Dack waved the smoke out of his face. His eyes stung, and he could smell the foreign fumes that reeked of alien battle.
"Is it over?" asked Lester.
"Captain? Are you there?" called out Pigmai.
"Captain Coe?" shouted Dack.
The smoke began to thin, as it rose into the strange inverted Szarglopian pines.
Soon they could all see the Captain lying on his back, unconscious on the beach.
The sound of the tide was the only thing heard for a long suspenseful moment.
Lester's face wrinkled into horror, "Is he dead?"
Pigmai shook his head with dismay.
"HA! HA!" cackled the Captain, leaping to his feet in the sand. "Got you guys!"
Dack fell in with laughter.
Lester and Pigmai remained confused.
"Nah! There dead," said Coe. "Come help me drag these toasted bagels out of here, and let's get your family kiddo."
Dack jumped down into the bright blue sand, and followed the Captain into the smoking ship. They pulled the charcoaled remains of three Marmells out, and piled them on the beach. Dack pulled the collar of his shirt up over his nose to create a mask while they worked.
"These things smell better barbequed then they do alive. Trust me kid," the Captain laughed.
The smoke continued to rise out of the ship like a nest of wild serpents. Coe returned inside with Dack and they examined the transparent prison cell bubble. It was empty.
"There not here?" asked Dack becoming frantic.
Coe cut a circle with a perpetual laser that buzzed from his pistol like a thin jet-stream. The wall seemed to melt away like a plastic bag over a campfire. They entered the cell.
Dack looked at their feet and found a pair of spectacles. He held them up and examined them.
"Recognize those?" asked the Captain.
Dack looked over with a numb response, "They're my dad's."
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